still two weeks before the Christmas, but you can already smell it everywhere. Even in the corner of this old city, where it used to be so closed. I cannot remember since when Christmas has become part of my life, which is so inseparable. It’s been years, I sent christmas postcards two weeks ahead and start missing people, who’s not around me. Life is a strange thing.
People start to write, especially when they are emotionally vulnerable and need somewhere to express. It’s such a natural thing. Tiny things can make me happy but seldom can make me feel voluntary to write. I write, because I grew older and know more about human beings. I gradually understand love and hate, tolerance and forgiveness. I never learned how to hate someone, but dislike. When I encounter someone I dislike, I ignore and try to behave myself normally without seeing this person. I don’t know how I manage to do this and never know, where I picked up this skill. Annoying thing is, acting this way can never give the others the chance to explain or show me, how nice they are. Maybe I lost many friends by doing this.
Was it only friends who I lost in 2016? What on earth does adulthood bring and can we really keep a balance between the lost and found during growing up?
Time flies. I can still not believe I am soon facing the 27th year of my life. My family found me before I was even born and endure all my silliness and share all my happiness. I am not someone who can take care of friendship very well, but I know how to make friends. In these years, I keep knowing, finding and losing friends. But I gradually found a way to keep the good ones around me or maybe they really try hard to stay with me. I found moments, when I was so proud of, so glamorous and so happy. Those moments stayed in my mind but left with time. I found beauty of life, beauty of different kinds of things, of different kinds of creatures. But I lost control of this trust of human beings. All the horrible things happened in the last several years make me so insecure and made me think, if it’s because my awareness grew or it’s just the world has changed to be an insecure place. I feel terrified by noticing the losing trust. because I know how hard to gain it back.
I lost Karl, he used to belong to me. And it was he found me from the beginning. I hope I can say bye-bye easily.